Men feel things too

If you are a man and going through “empty nest”, and feeling the emotional shifting ground, chances are that people around you are responding in really different ways. Women are given a lot of resources and outlet for the emotional aspect and impact, but quite often men are told to “get over it” or “just move on.”  What I experienced a lot was that most people were just bewildered that I had such strong emotions about it and wanted to talk about them. After all it is generally the women who have raised the kids isn’t it?

Ok, radical thought of the day; Men feel things too!! I know, I know, hard to believe given the cultural stereotype of the beer guzzling, football obsessed, disinterested dads, but here it is, men have feelings and they affect us just as deeply. I can say that the idea of my son leaving home and the idea of not seeing him on a daily basis simply broke my heart. The problem I had was that my son was my best friend, I absolutely loved being around him, and my favorite thing in the world was the time we spent together.

I remember as a kid there was a show called “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” and just how radical an idea it was that a dad, a single dad, could be raising a child, and all the hilarity and emotional upheaval that ensued.

Then the film “Kramer vs. Kramer” where Merryl Streep, in a fit of reversed mid-life crisis, leaves Dustin Hoffman alone to raise his son. Again the socially radical nature of the story and the transformational arc that happens when Dustin learns the life lesson that loving your son and having an emotional connection was not only important but precious.

I made choices when I separated from my son’s mom. Not to tour, or go out on the road. I was a career musician and sound mixer and I chose to be here, stay here, because from the minute I saw the sonogram of my son, I loved him more than anything I had ever loved before. My dad had been an absentee dad. It was what his generation knew. He had grown up during the depression, served in WWII at the age of twenty, and was taught that men are stoic and do their duty and just keep it all inside. (Now I want to be clear I am not a new age guy who cries at the drop of a hat. But this new phase really knocked the wind out of me and what shocked me was that absolutely nothing could have prepared me for it.)

So, what happened to me when he left? Basically I hurt. I hurt a lot. I hurt a lot for a long time. I looked for community. I read books. I meditated. I took long walks. I spoke with my son about the truth of what was occurring in my heart. We spoke honestly to each other. He spoke of his concerns for my well-being but at the same time he stressed how important it was for him to feel that he could go out into the world and know that I was 100% behind him and excited for him. I agreed.

The shift and the healing occurred as I began to see that my practice as a Buddhist was really connected with my ability to be a good parent. Here is what I learned; It‘s OK to not know what to do. It’s OK to feel really strong emotions and not do anything but let them be and feel them. It’s OK if no one around you gets it. It will pass, but right now all you can do is feel it. That can be a new experience for a lot of men. One that I think a lot of us really need.

My son is now just completing his first year in college. I am as proud of him as any father can be. My relationship with him is wonderful and also the best possible mirror for my evolution and growth as a human being. Everything about it so clearly shows up as a means and opportunity to move deeper into my own heart and the way I am as a man in the world, for which I am profoundly grateful. To know that it is ok that I feel things too.  Once again it is pretty obvious our kids are here to teach us to be more human, and what a tremendous gift that is.

May all parents who are passing through this transitional time move through it with ease and grace.